TV

JoJo’s Bachelorette Yearbook

This 12th season of The Bachelorette turned out way entertaining.  Even though the cast members used the same recycled lines from the Bachelor/ Bachelorette playbook, this season had some memorable dudes.  Tonight, we get to see them together again for The Men Tell All before JoJo picks her white knight next Monday.  Take a look back on some of The Bachelorette’s most memorable characters.

jojo-fletche-the-bachelorette-premiere

JoJo had these guys eating out of her hand.  She disclosed no details about her personal life that we didn’t already know from last season.  Yet she had scads of guys falling in love with her.  Nobody dumped JoJo.  She eliminated men with efficiency.  No sparks during the kiss? Gone.  “I love you” makes her cringe?  Gone.  Just not good enough?  Gone.  Her frequent dumpage lead to one rose ceremony where everyone got a rose.  Jojo also wore zero bad outfits and sounded smart, sexy and professional at all times.  Even when crying.  At this point, I actually want JoJo to find forever love.  I actually think the remaining two guys aren’t GOOD enough for her.  Usually I just want whatever bimbo hands out roses to pick a winner so we can move on to the next batch of crazies.  Jojo transcended The Bachelorette.  I’m pretty sure she still gets to keep her career.

Jordan

jordan rogers bachelorette jojo suit

Jordan spent most of the season hated for the shadow of his older brother, Greenbay Packer Aaron Rodgers.  Turns out Aaron estranged himself from the Rodgers family.  Poor Jordan.  At the virile age of 27, Jordan looks about 40.  He also had the most ridiculous fluffy hair in the house.  The whole Internet thinks Jordan will win.  Some think The Bachelorette is Jordan’s extended audition for a sportscaster job.  Can’t say I’m upset about that.  The guy has average screen presence.

Robby

robby-bachelorette-hair- pink shirt

UGH.  Robby has about thirty zillion red flags.  His name is Robby.  He dumped his girlfriend four months before filming.  He’s gay.  He has a terrible voice.  He wears pink shirts with white pants. He opens his eyes while kissing.  Despite these misgivings, JoJo might pick him.  Ew.

Chase

Chase The Bachelor

Chase represents the Mediocre Man who somehow made it farther than any of us thought possible. “Chase was constructed by advanced white person scientists to look 78 percent like Robby and Jordan.” (Rodger Sherman, SB Nation) Yup.

Luke

luke-pell-bachelorette-jojo-bachelor-1-940x545

Luke was probably the sexiest guy ever to get a hometown date.  The West Point alum and army veteran got Jojo a really dope pair of cowboy boots and dazzled her with his amazing kisses.  He basically recreated a Taylor Swift music video for their hometown date.  He lived in Texas too, and he’ll probably be the governor of Texas someday, so JoJo wouldn’t have to move states.  Still, I guess JoJo doesn’t like PERFECT MEN, because she couldn’t read the passion and devotion in Luke’s small but sparkling eyes.  She dumped him for “too little, too late” (Luke’s words) and Luke felt like this:

too_little_too_late jojo

Luke seems the popular choice for Bachelor 2017.  I don’t think the 30 brainless Barbie dolls ABC casts will suit the Luke. Still, better Luke than Chase or Robby.

James Taylor

James Taylor Stitches The Bachelorette

James Taylor had the soul of a fourth grader.  He had some self- esteem issues and sometimes he didn’t know how to act around the beautiful JoJo; he also confessed to losing a bunch of weight for the show.  But James Taylor really made this season.  He united the boys in the house and together they wrote and sang many a JoJo- themed campfire song.  James Taylor created a warm sense of camaraderie wherever he went.  James Taylor made group dates Actually Fun.  James Taylor got stitches.  JoJo trusted everything James Taylor said because “James Taylor’s not a liar.”  Things didn’t get ugly until James Taylor started figuring out Robby’s gayness (okay, so he said Robby’s eyes wandered towards other girls, but that’s just cuz Robby is trying to figure his shit out).  JoJo let him down easy; in the end, he acted too juvenile for husband material.  I’m still a James Taylor fan.

Alex

The Bachelorette Alex Jojo Gaucho Argentina

Alex represented short men everywhere.  He looked like a built- up vet version of Zak Efron.  He did have some short man shortcomings.  He liked to pick fights with Chad.  He talked way too much.  At times he seemed like a little dog who thinks it’s a Great Dane.  JoJo made Alex wear that Gaucho outfit and he totally rocked it.  Alex will make some short girl very happy.  Just not JoJo.

Wells

jojo and wells kiss

Props to Wells for being The Skinny Boy.  Wells made absolutely no effort to pump iron.  He disappeared a lot; we think he had a coke problem.  In any case, Wells waited the longest to kiss JoJo.  He wanted to “wait for the right moment”.  The right moment came while the two were sliding around on some wet tarp wearing bathing suits and JoJo felt like this:

too_little_too_late jojo

Evan

Evan The Bachelorette

Evan, pastor- turned- erectile dysfunction specialist, lasted way too long.  We knew JoJo wouldn’t marry this guy.  He was wimpy, whiny, and had kids.  But I guess JoJo liked the doctor thing, because he lasted long enough time to pick fights with Chad, demand a new $30 shirt from Chad, get punched in the face (accident?), and get a free trip to Pennsylvania.

Chad

Chad Meat

The guys accused Chad of steroids. We always saw Chad working out or shoveling protein into his face.  When the crew took his suitcase during a two- on- one, Wells distributed his protein powder and the boys cast it like ashes to the wind.  Chad threatened to pound the guys on more than one occasion.  He never did, but Chris Harrison had to confront Chad.  Chris Harrison has never looked more uncomfortable in his life.  I’m gonna be honest.  Chad was scary.  But, in retrospect, he, like contestants Jubilee and Ashley S. before him, didn’t get it.   He pretty much openly thought the whole format made no sense.  Chad lost points with the crowd for his painful honesty. “I’m not going to say I love you when I’ve had less than one date with you,” he defended to JoJo. He didn’t bullshit for the camera.   So they guys hated him.  But, in Chad’s defense, they did gang up on him more than a few times.  Eventually, he fessed up to threatening the other dudes and JoJo cut the chord.  Is Chad a gentle giant or vicious beast? I guess we’ll find out on Bachelor in Paradise!

We all though the show would suck after Chad left.  Luckily, romantic Luke, neurotic Robbie and Amusing Alex filled the void.

Daniel

Daniel Boxers THe Bachelorette

The Canadian male model was actually totally gay.  He tried getting Evan to look at his penis once.  He stripped down to his briefs and took a dip in the house pool during the very first cocktail party.  Daniel will live in infamy for this, known as Let’s Pretend You’re Hitler:

Hats off to the other amazing men: Ali, Christian, Saint Nick, Grant, Vinny the barber.  Thanks for casting some real, choice dudes this season, ABC.  I hope it paid off.

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