TV

How To Save ABC’s Nashville *SPOILERS*

maddie-and-scarlett-nashville-303

They died before the ship even sank.  Or did they?

Nashville had it all- tremendous talent, location filming, an A-list TV pedigree.  And this season, they completely blew it.

Nashville Season 4 concludes May 25.  ABC has not yet released their decision to renew or cancel.

I loved seasons 1-3.  In Season 4, the writers hammered nail after nail into Nashville‘s coffin.  The show still cranks out some incredible music.  The cast has a 22- date international tour this spring.  But the show’s writers have practically been gnawing their hands off since the season started.

Music producer T- Bone Burnett left the show after season one because he felt ABC mistreated Callie Khouri, his wife and Nashville creator. “I have a problem when people don’t treat Callie right,”he told the Hollywood Reporter in 2013.

“Some people were making a drama about real musicians’ lives, and some were making a soap opera, so there was that confusion…It was a knockdown, bloody, drag-out fight, every episode.  If I were to tell you the truth, you’d think I was insane.”

From the looks of things, the idiots won that fight.  Here are just few ways Season 4 blew it- and how to fix it.

  1. Cash

Nashville Jessy Schram

Where did ABC find this bimbo?  The daughter of Deacon’s AA sponsor/ business partner is supposedly an adult, but she is BFFS with 16- year- old Maddie.  She gives Maddie GREAT ideas like performing in bars, running away, and filing lawsuits against her dad.  “I love Maddie and would do anything to support her talent!” Cash declares.  Um, you’re a soulless leech.  At best, Cash “supports” Maddie to win a slice of her fame (her name is Cash, after all!).  At worst, she’s a terribly written character.

The Fix:  Clearly, Cash has some whacked up morals.  Make Cash as a closet alcoholic and have her and Maddie get in an eye- opening drunk driving accident (Maddie driving?) so everyone can realize how misguided this girl is.

2. Layla Grant

Layla Grant Aubrey Peeples Nashville ABC

Layla Grant (Aubrey Peeples) ranks right up there with Cash in the category Annoying Girl No One Cares About.   She deferred Harvard to chase her dream of becoming the next Amy Winehouse.  She also has terrible hair this season. Avery, Will, Luke, and Rayna all come swooping to her aid even though career is obviously doomed.  Nashville ended season 3’s mid- season finale with Layla floating facedown in a pool, so clearly the writers didn’t know what to do with her.

The Fix:  Drown  in a pool!  You had the perfect out!  Or, have Layla come out of her coma with the realization that she should go to fucking Harvard.  Either way, she should be gone by now.  It’s not too late for college.

3.  Everything Juliette did

HAYDEN PANETTIERE JULIETTE BARNES SUICIDE

Hot mess Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) got even hot- messier.  She punched a fan, became an alcoholic, ghosted her family and almost died more than once.  Also, TWO people have died for Juliette (her mom and her manager) and she has no survivor’s remorse.  By the time she took a break, we had enough.

We know Juliette will magically win an Oscar for her Patsy Cline biopic.  When she came back from rehab, she got an offer for a Spielberg movie that takes TWO WEEKS to film.  She turned it down to spend a cumulative 4 hours with her daughter.  Nice sentiment.  Except shortly thereafter, Avery takes their kid on tour and the studio sues Juliette. WTF?

The Fix:  Did the studio REALLY need to sue Juliette?  Why is that necessary?  It’s a no brainer: Do the movie!! This show should end with Juliette transitioning to film anyway.

4. Sad Will Lexington

Sad Will Lexington Chris Carmack

Gay Will comes out in public to win brownie points with BF Kevin.  Then, Will’s career tanks. Will becomes depressed.  Kevin dumps him.  Will gets more depressed.  This all makes sense, except ABC really drew this out.  Literally everyone knocked on Will for bumming around.  Will handled rejection and public humiliation way better than any of these other fuckwits.  Eventually, Luke re- signs him and Will gets back in the game.  Sadly, country music IRL isn’t ready for a gay superstar.  Will’s screwed.

The Fix: I liked the part where Will turns down a gay record company because they like his sexuality more than his music.  I wish Will had taken the self- produced album route.  I wanted him to start small, gain momentum, and show all the haters he made it on his own.

5. Everybody Hates Daphne

Daphne Maisy Stella Nashville Sad

Why?? SHE’S the cute one!! Maddie ditches her sister time after her time in pursuit of pop stardom.  Her dad got sent to prison.  She has no dad, no sister and no love.  Daphne sits around moping because NO ONE HAS TIME FOR HER!! Maddie, your songs suck.  Your songs with Daphne are way better.  I literally feel like this precious little girl is going to hang herself and everyone will feel bad for MADDIE.

The Fix: Daphne meets an adorable best friend in her kindergarten class, the two become YouTube sensations and Maddie looks like an idiot.

New Characters No One Needed:

Christina Aguilera Nashville

  1. 1. Cash
  2. Riff Bell, the flaky “Living Legend” Luke hires for his tour.  At this point,  Nashville‘s pulled enough living legends out of their asses.  Also, on what hipster baby website did they find these names?
  3. Vita, the homeless woman Rayna champions (for a touch of that The OC charm)
  4. Christina Aguilera.  WHY?
  5. That boring doctor Scarlett dated

Characters Who Worked:

RILEY SMITH, CONNIE BRITTON Marcus Keene Nashville

  1. 1. Marcus Keene (Riley Smith), the rock-n- roll One Directioner who flirted with country music
  2. Autumn Chase.  The female superstar The Exes tour with brings some much- needed industry insight. She plays Scarlett and Gunnar off each other and fires crew members in front of everyone.    We haven’t seen such seedy femininity since Avery’s seductive Season 1 producer.
  3. Colt Wheeler, Luke’s son.  He disses performers’ superficiality and joins the army.  Bless this kid for having some values.  Writers get snaps for the army write- off.

How should this show end?

With a butt- ton of flashbacks.  All the main characters will have a huge party, probably at the Bluebird, and cry on each other’s shoulders.  They earned it.

2 thoughts on “How To Save ABC’s Nashville *SPOILERS*

  1. Pingback: ABC Cancels Nashville | CRITIC OF EVERYTHING

  2. Pingback: CMT SAVES NASHVILLE | CRITIC OF EVERYTHING

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