TV

The Bachelor 2016 Lineup: All Your Faves Are Back

Ben The Bachelor

If you’ve seen one season of The Bachelor, you’ve seen them all.  This season pits handsome hoosier Ben against 28 beautiful women.  Producers require skinny and gorgeous Bachelor contestants, so all the girls pretty much look like clones.  But with a few exciting variations!

Check back to see who gets the rose- and who gets the axe!!

The Black One:  Jubilee ELIMINATED

jubilee the bachelor

There’s on in every season.  Usually they get offed in the first couple of episodes.  This season’s installment: Jubilee, ex soldier, current babe.

Jubilee caused a lot of controversy in Episode 3 for not being a phony white beyotch.  She feels very misunderstood in the house.  One can’t help but think the Bachelor Mansion is a form of torture more damaging than any she experienced in the military.

The Sort Of Black One:  Amber ELIMINATED

amber the bachelor

Amber was The Black One on Chris’s season, but with Jubilee here, she’s been demoted to The Sort Of Black One.  What was Amber doing here again?

The Asian One: Caila ELIMINATED

Caila The Bachelor

I’m pretty sure ABC has never cast a full- on Asian, but they like hapas.  Catherine, winner of Sean Lowe, is Filipino/ Italian.  This season we have Caila.  I suspect she wins.

Eliminated second to last cuz she’s just not that into him.

The “Weird” one:  Mandi ELIMINATED

mandi the bachelor

This girl has an offbeat gimmick.  She vibrates on another frequency.  Chris had McKenzie, and Ben has Mandi.  Her gimmick is Portland.

Eliminated in Week 2 for being toooo weird.

The Journalist:  Olivia ELIMINATED

olivia bachelor

These girls know how to act on TV because they do it for a living.  They’re agressive go- getters, probably because they have career experience.  Jillian brought it last season.  This season, we have Olivia, who looks like a carbon copy of Michele Phfieffer in Up Close and Personal/  Cameron Diaz complete with planet- sized mouth.  The producers force Ben to keep Olivia around because she is the only interesting (crazy) person on the show.

I love Olivia.  I want to be her best friend.  Call me, Olivia.

Eliminated and left for dead in the Bahamas in Episode 6.  Ben decided he could just never love Olivia as much as she loves herself.

The Virgin:  Becca (again) ELIMINATED

Becca The Bachelor

They double- dipped The Virgin this season.  It’s Becca, the 26 year old virgin from Chris’ season.  Becca has the soul of an eight year old.  I sometimes wonder if she knows where babies come from.  She has not been taking care of her hair.

Eliminated in Episode 6 because what was she even doing here again?

The Trainwreck: Lace ELIMINATED

Lace The Bachelor

The Trainwreck drinks too much and makes a fool of herself very quickly.  Last season: Jordan.  This season:  Lace.  Lace also doubles as The Dumb One. Lace might be illiterate.  Jubilee openly wonders if she knows how to read.  Her grammar would make Grammar Check break itself.

Lace totally redeemed her childish character by eliminating herself in Episode 3 to do some self- improvement.  Way to be a big girl, Lace!

We will be seeing Lace on Bachelor in Paradise.  On The Women Tell All:

Chris Harrison: Do u think u could find love in paradise

Lace: I knew you were going in that direction

Chris Harrison: Wanna b on Bachelor in Paradise

Lace: OMG YES I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT

TBH, every season has lots of Dumb Ones.  Beautiful women get lots of slack.  The Best Dumb One prize goes to Megan of last season, who wore her dumbness like a helmet.  I think she was actually smarter than we thought.

The One Who’s Way Too Young: Emily and Haley ELIMINATED

Hailey and Emily The Bachelor

Not always age- wise, but maturity wise, The One Who’s Way Too Young is in high school. I’m pretty sure Ashley Iaconetti thought her dad would still pay for her cell phone if she got married.  This season we have TWO Ones Who Are Way Too Young: 22- year- old twins Emily and Hailey.  They look like Taylor Swift and say the same things at the same time.

Ben dumped Hailey in front of her mom on Episode 4.

Ben dumped Emily after Emily met his mom in Episode 6.  Chicks are not marriage material.

The One With Kids:  Amanda ELIMINATED

Amanda Stanton The Bachelor

Somehow The One With Kids thinks The Bachelor wants to be the father of someone else’s baby.  Like The Black One, these girls never win.  This season’s Amanda has not one but TWO kids, AND she was married.  Whammy!

Eliminated after hometowns because Ben just couldn’t see himself living in Laguna Beach.  With two kids.

The One Who’s Too Good For This:  LB ELIMINATED

The Bachelor LB

Juan Pablo had Sharlene, the unfathomably gorgeous part- Asian opera singer from Dusseldorf who had no idea why she was there.  Chris Soules had Whitney.  I could tell from Episode 4 that Whitney would win because she played the game better than anyone (they didn’t last.  Probably because she was smarter than Chris).  This season had LB.  LB bowed out early after she got a rose cuz she ain’t about winning a guy on TV.

The One With Ombre Hair: Jojo ELIMINATED

Didn’t this already go out of style?  This season, JoJo has ombre hair.  Does anyone else think JoJo has a secret?

Eliminated in the last episode, but she gets to be the new Bachelorette!  Rompers for all!

The Cool One: Also TBD.  Last season had Katelyn, who became the next Bachelorette.  In Sean’s season, Catherine played The Cool One.

The Funny One: TBD. Carly was The Funny One last year.  The funny one doesn’t take the show too seriously.  She makes a lot of friends and gets a lot of camera time because the producers love her.

Everyone Else:  The rest of the girls all have the same personality, the same voice, the same hair and the same makeup.  They compete on looks alone.

Ben-Higgins-Bachelor-Contestants-2016

In case you were wondering, the greatest Bachelor contestant of all time was Ashley Iaconetti.  She was the Too Young Virgin Journalist Psycho.  She knocked it out of the park.

Ashley Iaconetti

 

WINNER:  LAUREN B.

rs_1024x759-160314142939-1024-lauren-b-ben-higgins-the-bachelor-2.jpg

Also called Lolo, this girl’s wardrobe consists of flannels and denim and her vocabulary consists of “yes”.  We should have guessed this from the start based on the following lines:

Jubilee:  It’s kind of hard to get attention compared to the Beccas and Lauren B’s of the world.

Everyone on the Feed the Pigs Group Date:  You’re only into Lauren B

Becca:  We are all on Lauren B’s date

Ben to Jojo: I luv you

JoJo: Nah u love Lauren B

Lauren can buy all the pot in the world with her new Neil Lane.  Everyone’s a winner!

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