TV

Bachelor in Paradise: When You’re Too Good For MTV, But Not Really.

Bachelor in Paradise Banner

Welcome to the second season of Bachelor in Paradise. This time, we have a younger cast, more money, more creepy night vision shots, and enough tears to solve the California water crisis.

If you’re just joining us, Bachelor in Paradise watches former Bachelor contestants battle for love in —-, Mexico. Each week, the unlovable are sent home. Newcomers replace them.

Let’s meet the cast!

Ashley I. brings her younger sister, Lauren. Expectations are high for the Iaconettis. Chris Harrison announces a Hunger Games twist: the sisters are a package deal and giving one a rose means both stay!  Lauren calls herself “The complete opposite of a virgin”. So, a slut? After about half an hour, Lauren is over Bachelor Nation.

Lauren Iaconetti Bachelor in Paradise

Jared: Everyone has their eye on Jared, the shy, “chiseled” fourth runner- up on Caitlyn’s season.

Paradise-Jared

Best line:

Woman: How old are you?
Jared: Seventeen.

Ashley S: The secret genius from Chris Soules’ season is best known for talking to fruits and acting nuts. Chris Harrison practically begged Ashley S. to join Paradise back on The Women Tell All in March, and I guess it worked!

ASHLEY S BACHELOR IN PARADISE

Ashley S. clearly feels uncomfortable with cameras but seems very comfortable with….

bachelor in paradise dan ashley S

Dan, AKA Hugh Jackman. Ashley S. experiences the least- hyped emergency room visit in Bachelor history and Dan chases after her.  They call it a first date.   “I like your face,” says Ashley S. to Dan.

Juelia– Everyone says Juelia is the sweetest cookie in the jar but she’s a little boring TBH. The cameras spend very little time on her and

Jonathan, her boo. As usual, ABC ignores the black guy. RACIST.

jonjuelia bachelor in paradise

Tenley: Tenley sucks. She’s never gone home in a rose ceremony on The Bachelor because she almost won in season 14 and she won Bachelor Pad in 2010 (#spoiled.) The dude she won on Bachelor Pad dumped her after five years and knocked up a girl less than a year later (#sorrynotsorry). Tenley is before my time yet somehow younger than Clare.

Tenley Bachelor in Paradise

Clare– Clare’s face looks more like a rubber glove every time she gets on TV. Clare tries hiding her oldness with side braids and “hip” expressions, but she’s probably at least ten years older than everyone here. Furthermore, Clare will never find love, as she routinely shoots down the men who are clearly devoted to her (Cody! Mikey!).

Mikey Clare Bachelor in Paradise

Carly: You don’t not want to be friends with Carly. The snarky comedian is back with biting comebacks, hilarious impressions and candid advice. Carly and Kirk hit it off right away, which means Carly can spend less time freaking out and more time narrating others.

Kirk – Got with Carly so we didn’t hear from him all episode. Guys, getting drunk is really the best way to find love.

Bachelor in Paradise kirk carly

Jade– Jade and Jared are the two clear frontrunners in this love contest. At one point four gigantic men literally corner Jade. Who can blame them? Jade has impeccable allure and everyone knows she looks great naked. As if to prove them right, she wears almost no makeup and still looks amazing. She asks Tanner on a date. For reasons unknown to everyone, they wear actual underwear. Jade spontaneously decides to strip down to said underwear and they have a moonlight swim in a dirty river. Jade spends the rest of the episode looking like a hot mom.

bachelor-in-paradise-premiere-jade-lauren-ashley

Mikey– makes a terrible first impression by calling himself an alpha male and dissing the other men’s bodies (—-). He turns it around, though, by flattering the olds (Clare and Tenley). Meatheads love cougars.

JJ is the real douche bag here. He promises Jillian the rose, makes out with Tenley 10 minutes later, and gives Tenley the rose. This dude cheated on the mother of his child soooo…

Jillian is just really really sad. We SEE her have breast enhancement surgery on camera (why, Jillian? WHY?) and she attends a wedding in a bikini. The cameras censor her bum for no reason. She cozies up with the douchiest man in Mexico. She goes home. She acts tough, but I feel Jillian needs some self- esteem. You are enough, Jillian. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Other Things That Happen: Lacey and Marcus of Season 1 get “married” in the lamest TV wedding ever. The spectacle inspires the group to find love amidst sand crabs and sunburns.

Bachelor in Paradise Lacey Marcus Wedding

Lauren, Ashley I’s deadweight sister, cries on the first night. She needs a nap.

Clare volunteers to swim in a shark tank. Instead, the producers give her and Mikey an awkward tantric yoga session. “You’ve been working really hard on your sexual chakra,” the yogi tells Clare.

The producers have learned that drinking when a character talks to a wild animal is one of the rules in the Bachelor Drinking Game, so they encourage the cast to talk to animals.

COMING UP!

  • Literally everyone will cry this season.

Ashley I crying bachelor in Paradise

  • Ashley I. loses her virginity and experiences all the Virginity Losing Emotions on camera.
  • There’s a whole hour of after crap after this show.
  • Stay tuned. This Bachelor’s gonna hurt like a m*****er.

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