TV

Dear ABC: Do’s and Don’t of The Bachelor

the bachelor banner

I’ll admit, I haven’t been keeping up with this season of The Bachelorette as religiously as usual. I Hulu’d some of this season and found myself watching the same cookie- cutter episodes I’d seen every season. Chris Harrison does his best to hype up the drama with intense music and lots of close- ups, but The Bachelor’s formula is tired: Date. Drink. Kiss. Repeat.

Never fear, ABC! I have some tips for you!

DON’T make couples awkwardly slow dance through those cheesy private concerts. Don’t make the musicians play cheesy private concerts. Don’t make us watch cheesy private concerts that are seen by much of America. They’re awkward, weird, and cheesy. You’re not the only two people in a room when there’s a band, a film crew, and an ABC audience there with you.

the bachelor awkward

DO send the crew to more big concerts, a la Big & Rich of last season. I miss TV concert specials. We need some more of those.

the bachelor concert awesome

DON’T let the Bachelorette dudes know one of them could be the next Bachelor. Dudes literally only sign up for The Bachelorette because they want a season to themselves. Throw a curveball. Pick a totally random hunk for us to fall in love with. The sleaze is palpable.

bachelor the ball

DO see if Sean Lowe has an exact clone. Maybe start with his friends.

the bachelor sean lowe

DO instate some rules. Drama comes from broken rules, not an “Anything could happen!” attitude. Anything happening is far more shocking when it involves breaking rules.

DON’T let the audience know how much time the cast spends waiting around. Are you really so out of video footage that you have to show people COMPLAINING ABOUT SITTING AROUND?

Give them some Jenga or something. Or take my next suggestion….
DO put contestants in life- and- death situations. I’m not saying this has to be Dating Naked or Naked and Afraid, but you really get to know a person’s true colors when they’re, say, suspended in cages over ravenous crocodiles. Or trapped on huge yacht that gets mysteriously swept out to sea in a storm. Or kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel. America’s Next Top Model always got dramatic when one of the girls contracted a contagious disease. ABC kind of hinted at some life-or- death last season, when they played Zombie Apocalypse and left two girls to die in the desert. No one learns anything about each other at a cocktail party. Get these people in some life or death situations and see where the love lies.

DON’T put the rose ceremony wherever you want! We hate starting episodes with an elimination even more than we hate cliffhanger endings! You’re not gaining any viewers by mixing up the structure. We’re frustrated! We’re angry! We don’t know what to expect! You are disrespecting the sanctity of the rose ceremonies!!

DO make the rose ceremony the episode’s finale.

the bachelor rose ceremony
DO publicly humiliate eliminated contestants. I’m pretty sure Ian, the Successful Tall Man, said, “I’m too intellectual for Caitlin because I want to Princeton…. I really need to have some sex.” Let’s have more of that. Maybe stick around and wait for them to cry in front of everyone, or make a scene and storm out, instead of all this politeness. More trainwrecks = more views!

DO have more guest stars, like Amy Shumer and Jimmy Kimmel (A+, ABC!) Might I suggest Steven Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Phoeler, Key & Peele, Tyra Banks, or President Obama?

the bachelor meme

DON’T cancel The Bachelor. We love our studly guys, crazy girls, exotic destinations, and rose ceremonies. But maybe cut the 2-3 hour show down to an hour when you’re running out of ideas.

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