What’s worse than all your exes in one room? All your exes in one room on national television! Chris Soules gets ABC’s special form of torture on this episode of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. All the characters are back to yak. But first! Chris Harrison and Chris Soules crash Bachelor parties.
One mom full-on smooches him on the lips. Her house has more corn- themed Pinterest ideas than Pinterest. The dudes show up at one house where girls are get plastered drunk from their drinking game. The drunk women make the Chrises take shots and then they chase their bus down the street.
Then, to business. We will talk to Britt, Kelsey, Jade, and, most importantly, Ashley S.!
These girls apparently never graduated kindergarten because they talk over each other and interrupt like a bunch of angry children. Chris Harrison needs a conch.
For the record, Carly looks way better than Britt, who’s wearing about 20 layers of foundation and looks like a China doll. It’s because she’s planning on crying off 19 layers of foundation during this show.
Britt and Carly take turns pointing the finger of shame and Britt cries off 6 layers of foundation. Then, Chris Harrison talks to Britt, subtly implying that Britt and Chris never would have worked.
“What did you come on this show for?” Chris Harrison asks. It’s a loaded question. We know why Britt the waitress from Los Angeles came on one of the most popular reality TV shows in the country.
“Love, if you wanna put it in the simplest way. Oh yea, and to be famous.”
Carly sits there like Ursula the sea witch watching everybody suffer.
Next comes Kelsey. Kelsey psychobabbles her way out of the hot seat and shows mean girls everywhere how to makes themselves look like innocent victims of circumstance: by playing dumb, acting innocent and kissing ass.
“Do you think you’re better than everyone else?” Chris Harrison asks Kelsey.
“How do you evaluate humanity?” she responds. I don’t know, Kelsey. You used hand motions when explaining how much better you were than Ashley I. Perhaps one evaluates humanity with sign language?
Kelsey tries to apologize to everyone and then they actually get into a serious argument about whether her dead husband existed or not. Why is Chris Harrison letting her talk so much? Nobody cares about Kelsey’s empty words!!
Next comes Ashley S., easily one of the most beautiful women present. Especially since Britt caked the crap out of her face. She presents Chris Harrison with an onion and provides ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION for acting like she escaped from the funny farm.
“While all these women were crying their eyes out, I was picking pomegranates.”
Actually, we all think she’s crazy, but I think Ashley S. might be the sanest person ever on The Bachelor. She basically said the whole situation was crazy so she acted crazy. It makes perfect sense. Guys, Ashley S. is a genius.
Next Chris Harrison talks to Jade. Jade wins the award for Best Lipstick, mostly because everyone else looks like they colored their lips with crayons. Jade says she read Chris’ blog and Chris called her “disturbing”. Chris had a blog sponsored by People magazine and of course ALL THE GIRLS read it. Way to go, moron. Who wouldn’t read their ex’s diary? Their public diary published by a tabloid? I mean, I would believe every word. Wouldn’t you??
This whole show is like a giant public relations experiment.
Next we talk to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn doesn’t understand why Chris put her through a rose ceremony if he knew he was going to let her go. Man, these rose ceremonies must really suck. All these girls act like being eliminated via rose ceremony is like being dropped in a vat of boiling oil. It’s how the show works, ladies. No one takes a rose ceremony away from Chris Harrison. ABC pays him $1,000,000 to say, “Ladies, Chris, whenever you’re ready.”
Then, Kaitlyn says it offends her when people act like she couldn’t live in Iowa.
“I totally could,” she says. Sorry, Kaitlyn. I apologize.
Then, they bring Chris out. Chris looks super uncomfortable. He does lots of brow furrowing and lip pursing.
First, they throw Britt at him.
Poor, poor delusional Britt still thinks Chris dumped her because of Carly. Homegirl, he dumped you cuz you crazy. Britt cries off her remaining layers of makeup but ends on a nice note:
“Whoever ends up with you is really lucky,” Britt says.
Then, Chris talks to Kaitlyn and really don’t say anything new. He had three women. He had to pick two. He sent Kaitlyn home. It sucked. Kaitlyn (still) does not understand.
Next, Jade confronts Chris. She asks if she can sit on the couch with him and address him like they don’t have TV cameras shoved up in their faces. Feisty Jade shows her “wild mustang” side. She says it hurt he when Chris called seeing her playboy photos “awkward” and that Chris called her hometown date “disturbing”.
Honestly, I feel for Jade. Chris thought of her as a wholesome small town girl and when her family and past shattered his illusion, he dumped her. Almost like how shit happens in actual relationships. Anyways, Jade got closure, diamonds and Christian Loubitons out of the deal. So I’d call her a winner.
As tradition dictates, they play bloopers for last bit of The Women Tell All. There is, like a five minute blooper of Chris Harrison trying to teach Jimmy Kimmel his, “Ladies, Chris, when you’re ready” routine. I’m telling you guys. Chris Harrison lives for the rose ceremonies!!
And guess what? HE WROTE A ROMANCE NOVEL! Chris Harrison really is a woman.
Next week, the final rose. Ladies, Chris, whenever you’re ready. After 8 PM next Monday.