Welcome to the most boring episode of The Bachelor ever. Chris Soules banished all the fun characters this season leaving only Boring Becca, White Wine Whitney and Miley Cyrus (aka Kaitlyn).
Chris Harrison sends the four to Bali. The only time this season of the Bachelor leaves the United States and they send them to Bali. There’s a reality TV show in Australia called “What Really Happens in Bali”. It’s about Australian tourists going to Bali and DYING.
But the Bali-ese are determined to redeem themsleves on national television, and every cast member seems committed to pointing out how nice all the people in Bali are. The humid equatorial weather has all three girls frizzing out like Rhesus monkeys.
Chris has equally passionless dates with all three women. Whitney blew it with the self- tanner and has heinous orange knees. Whitney and Kaitlyn both say they are falling in love with Chris. On the hometown dates, Becca’s family warned Chris that Becca is an emotionless robot. Becca is not falling in love with Chris because she doesn’t know what love means. The commercials pimped out the fact that Becca tells Chris she’s a virgin. Chris didn’t care that Jade showed the Internet her clit, so naturally he could give a shit about Becca’s virginity.
For the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sends them to a holy temple where anything more intimate than holding hands will send them to hell. You’re a party pooper, Chris Harrison. Chris takes Becca aside and she makes a pretty good case for herself. Whitney and Kaitlyn think Chris is sending Becca home. Psych! Chris sends KAITLYN home because he can’t handle a wife with personality. Good riddance, Kaitlyn! We couldn’t see your break- dancing white ass in Arlington anyway.
I’m gonna say Whitney has this one in the bag. The next two weeks will bring The Women Tell All and the grand finale, which looks like it will take place in a frozen wasteland. Stay Tuned!