In this episode, we learn either Chris or the producers are the most heartless human beings in television history.
First things first: After Kelsey’s “panic attack”, Chris decides to keep her and send home MacKenzie and Sam instead. Dammit, now we’ll never know who believes in aliens. This sends Kelsey on a power trip and she starts talking like a high school football coach trying to get to State.
As if Santa Fe, New Mexico, weren’t rural enough, Chris takes the girls to Deadwood, South Dakota. Isn’t that the name of an HBO show? It’s like he’s preparing the girls for BFE Iowa. They get set up in a Holiday Inn resort that looks like a barn. Becca, conservative virgin, gets the first date.
They ride ponies and sit around a campfire making kabobs and talking about babies. This is honestly the most boring date I have ever seen. At least Becca makes fun of Chris’ stupid laugh. The date ends with Becca confessing to the cameras that “no one wants their dad to see them kissing!” But that’s OK, because Chris gives her a very tasteful good- night kiss and sends her back to the barn.
Meanwhile, the girls confront Kelsey for being a maniacal nutcase. I can’t decide if Kelsey is the best high school guidance counselor or the worst. She knows all the right things to say and how to diffuse situations to get the blame off her. Chick definitely earned her psychology degree. The group accomplishes nothing and Kelsey spins the situation to make her look like the victim. Kelsey: 1. Girls: 1 for effort?
Next is the group date. Chris picks everyone except Ashley and Kelsey. Ashley is stoked out of her mind because she knows this will be her chance to show Chris how awesome she is. Also: Ashley looks really good with her dark lipstick. The group date card reads, “Let’s make sweet music together”. Meghan from Nashville and Carly from Cruise Ship can’t wait.
Chris enlists the help of country singers Big & Rich to help with the group date. These dudes got famous for singing “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy”. They make for good TV. The girls each have to write a song and perform it for Chris, Big & Rich and a bar full of day drinking South Dakotans. Every time there’s a reality show episode where people have to write a song, I think, wow. Writing songs must be super easy. And apparently it is, because every girl cranks out a tearjerker. Chris sits at the bar tearing up like a dad watching his kid take its first steps. Carly writes the best song, because, as a cruise ship singer, it’s kind of her job. Jade has some nerves but, after running down the street with half of Big & Rich, she finds her voice and writes a sweet song. Kaitlyn spits out a rap because she is Miley Cyrus. All the girls get authentic cowboy guitar accompaniment.
For the night portion of the date, the girls are STUCK at the same bar, and it’s the second most boring date ever. I feel like these girls spend most of their time waiting around sipping white wine. No wonder Jordan went crazy and drank up all the booze. Seems like way more fun than JUST SITTING AROUND. They should get board games or Mad Libs or something. Anyways, Chris has his polite one- on- one time with all the ladies. And then he gets to Brit. Chris sucked Brit’s face off as soon as he laid eyes on her earlier in the day. Once he gets her alone, Chris grabs her hand and they run down the ONE STREET in Deadwood, South Dakota, to a venue where Big & Rich are performing. For the record, Brit has the footwear and personality of a 10 year old boy. They get into the audience, suck face, get on the stage, suck face, Chris gives Brit the rose, they suck face, they sing along with the band for a little while, they then suck face. “This is my virgin country music experience,” Brit says, utilizing the Word of the Season. “I’m so glad to be sharing it with someone who it means so much to.” Translation: Brit hates country music. Whitney confirms.
“Everyone in the crowd wanted to be me,” gushes Brit. She relishes the feeling because it prepares her for being a famous actress, her end goal.
While Chris, Brit, and the rest of Deadwood, South Dakota are rocking out to a country concert courtesy of ABC, the poor suckers on the group date cool their heels at the bar. When Chris and Princess Brit arrive, the girls greet them with death glares. Chris mumbles some bullshit about how they shouldn’t let the fact that he left them all to rot while he snogged Brit and gave her a rose in front of a small town take away from their connections. Miley goes to the bathroom and cries. Smartass knew better than to bawl on camera. Miley: 1. Crew: 0.
Next comes the moment we’ve all been dreading: the two- on- one. Chris, Ashley and Kelsey pile into the most awkward helicopter ride ever.
They see Mount Rushmore from said helicopter and land at a random bed in the middle of the South Dakota badlands. The wind blows like crazy and I’m personally shocked that the crew got so much usable dialogue out of these people. Things get awkward immediately. Chris talks to Princess Jasmine first, and she honestly says that Kelsey doesn’t play well with others. Chris thanks her and Ashley returns to the random bed. Then Chris talks to Kelsey, Ice Queen and Guidance Counselor from Hell. Of course Kelsey makes Ashley look like an immature juvenile (her monolgue words are a little harsher: “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get her princess date!”). Kelsey says in the creepiest way possible that she KNOWS HOW TO BE A WIFE BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN ONE (*glare*) . You can almost see Chris jump out of his skin at the prospect of marrying Kelsey.
Kelsey returns to the bed (seriously why a bed? Perhaps a tent? Bench? Sofa? Tipi??) and says, “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BITCH.”
Ashley plays it cool and says something like, “You’re not smarter than me just because you use big words. We both have master’s and mine’s better.” To Ashley’s credit, she is smarter than she looks. I’ve always found her to have a very real personality despite her heavy makeup. Perhaps because she cries a lot. Also, for the record, Ashley does not use fake eyelashes, she has eyelash extensions. I read it on her beauty blog. Kelsey says something like, “You’re going down, I can play mind games till your brain leaks out your eyeballs”. In the end, Chris sends them both home. He sends Kelsey home because he’s “not sure if there’s anything there between us”. Guess throwing the dead husband thing down Chris’ throat didn’t work as well as Kelsey hoped. Chris dumps Ashley because he doesn’t think the glamour girl wants a life on a farm.
“Oh, and you think Brit does?” Ashley retorts. Good point, Ashley. Good point. The episode’s subtext says Chris wants Brit more than anyone. Bitches be bitter. Especially Whitney.
So after Chris dumps Ashley and Kelsey, he FLIES OFF IN A HELICOPTER and leaves them STRANDED IN THE DESERT. We only see one helicopter. We do not see another mode of transportation. We see Kelsey and Ashley pacing angrily on opposite sides of the salt flats.Is this Survivor? Will they kill each other for meat? How are they getting home? These questions and more will (not) be answered on next week’s episode of The Bachelor.