Pretend Like You Watched the Grammys

The 57th Grammy awards just wrapped at LA Live, Los Angeles. If you couldn’t sit through all three and a half hours, fear not.  I made you a cheat sheet.

Most importantly, the here’s what everyone wore:

First, AC/DC opened the show looking old as dirt.  They didn’t sound old as dirt, though.  Go Angus.

Next, let me take this moment to say:

I don’t know why anybody ever does anything other than play basketball in the Staples Center. It’s literally the worst place ever to perform music. I’ve seen shows there and for some hideous reason they have the Grammys there a lot and YOU CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING. It’s a basketball stadium. The acoustics are terrible. You might as well have the Grammys in a high school gym.

So all the performances sounded like crap, regardless of the talent onstage.

Miranda Lambert’s performance: I love Miranda because she writes songs like a man. She performed “Little Red Wagon” wearing this:


Madonna’s performance: I see Madonna the same way I see Coldplay: she got famous for doing something innovative, and now they she stays relevant by copying relevant stuff.

That said, Madonna’s performance of her new song “Living For Love” had just enough classic Madonna (modern dancers! Gospel choirs! Bleeding roses!) to stave off the cringes.

Kanye West’s performance: Kanye performed “Only One”, which he wrote with Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney, on the other hand, did something innovative and stayed relevant because his innovation changed music. The dude revolutionized songwriting. His song with Kanye? No exception.   I’m so glad Paul McCartney is still alive, and shoot me for saying this, but I wouldn’t have him trade places with John Lennon for anything.

The Electric Light Orchestra’s performance with Ed Sheeran, John Mayer, Herbie Hancock and Questlove is easily a high point.

Love how Ryan Seacrest introduced Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine. He’s the classiest man in Hollywood.

Does Gwen Stefani remind anyone else of the Khaleesi?

gwen stefani khaleesi

Hozier performed “Take Me to Church” and “I Put A Spell On You” with Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox has the voice. She’s probably the only person who sounded amazing in the cavernous craphole of the Staples Center.

Pharrel performed Happy with the only composer who matters, Hans Zimmer. This performance had everything. Gospel singers. Bellboy outfits. Tamborines. Probably the most dramatic “Happy” ever. Pharrel must have known some of us were sick of “Happy” and he definitely gave us something to think about.

Obama made a PSA about ending violence against women, making the presidents of all your universities look like pussys.

Wait a minute!! Katy’s purple hair was a wig? She performs ‘By The Grace Of God’, introduced by a domestic violence survivor. The performance looks like a cross between going to heaven in the 60’s and that scene from “The Prince of Egypt” where the priests try to recreate plagues. Katy Perry just looks exhausted every time she performs, but I guess she just had the Super Bowl last Sunday, so understandable.

Paul McCartney, Rihanna and Kanye performed “FourFiveSeconds”. This is a great song, and totally not what comes to mind when you hear the words “new music from Rihanna”.

Sam Smith performed Stay With Me wearing his third suit of the night.  Joined by Mary J. Blige.

sam smith suits

Then Juanes showed up and reminded everyone what hot looks like. I have seriously never seen anyone look so good in head to toe denim. Something about Juanes just makes everyone in the audience understand Spanish.

Prince is showing up everywhere these days. I don’t mind; Prince, is, after all, the heir to the Living Legend Throne since M.J. passed. He wears solid Tropicana and presents Album of the Year to Beck for Morning Phase.  Blink and you’ll miss Kanye’s spoof of the time he interrupted Taylor Swift.  The underlying message?  Beyonce shoulda won!

Still, the Carters thought it was cute.


Shia LaBeouf introduces Sia. He appeared in her “Elastic Heart” music video. See? Some people understand Shia’s performance art. Shia reads a poem and we cut to a taping of Sia’s “performance”, featuring Kristen Wiig and Maddie Ziegler. The combination of Christian Wiig and a weird ass set makes the whole thing look like an SNL sketch.  I am very not interested in this Serious Kristen Wiig business.  Would have rather seen Shia in a leotard.

Enrique Inglesias informs us Max Martin won Producer of the Year, which explains where Taylor Swift’s Grammys went. Then Sam Smith wins another award. He’s this year’s Norah Jones!

Next, Beck and Chris Martin perform “Heart Is A Drum“ and I almost actually fall asleep.

Jamie Foxx and Stevie Wonder present the Grammy for Record of the Year, and Jamie Foxx is unintelligible as usual. Taylor Swift is pissed that these guys delayed her moment of agony. Sam Smith wins again.  By now he just kind of looks like he’s expecting it.  Sam thanks the “guy he was in love with last year” for “breaking my heart cuz now I’ve got four Grammys”. #humble

Gwennyth Paltrow and LL Cool J introduce Beyonce singing “Take My Hand, Precious Lord”.  Probably sounds great in a church but sounded TERRIBLE IN THE STAPLES CENTER.  Beyonce then introduces John Legend and Common’s song “Glory”, from the movie Selma.  I’m really glad I finally got to hear this song.

This encore of “Stay With Me” is too effing much.  ENOUGH.

Overall, not a terribly memorable Grammys.



1 comment on “Pretend Like You Watched the Grammys

  1. Pingback: This is what Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga Wore Last Night + Grammy Recap | Critic Of Everything

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