Halfway through the season, sh*t gets real.
The gang travel to Santa Fe and Chris has his first one- on- one date with Carly. They go to a mansion and some crazy love guru lady tries to get them to have sex or something. Anyways, its totally weird and neither Chris nor Carly seems to get anything out of it. Carly is visibly bitter that she had to share her one- on- one date with a shaman, because she whines for the rest of the episode.
Everyone else except Brit gets lumped in a group date.
During the “cocktail party” chapter of the group date, an unexpected visitor arrives. Sober Jordan (aka drunk Jordan!) drove all the way from Colorado to Santa Fe to try and explain her previously drunk butt to Chris. She looks almost totally unrecognizable. She has a clean face, a totally adorable princess ponytail, and she sips a glass of water. Chris initially has mixed feelings about her appearance, but he lets her stay for the cocktail party. Ashley I. and Whitney have a catfight over how the girls should react. Whitney thinks they should treat Jordan with kindness because Jordan is still a human being. Ashley I. thinks they should turn up their noses at Jordan because Ashley I. is a mean girl. After the rest of the girls spend their alone time with Chris complaining about Jordan, he gives Jordan the old heave- ho. He says “the manly thing to do” is ditch Jordan on the grounds that “it’s just not fair to the other girls.” Girls: 1. Chris: 0.
Chris has his next one- on- one with Brit. Surprise! Brit’s habit of sleeping in makeup finally pays off! Chris nuzzles her out of bed at 4:30 in the morning. They share many smooches, waking up every other girl in the process. Chris says, “Brit looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does at a rose ceremony.” Brit: 1. Chris: 0.
They go on a beautiful hot air balloon ride over a gorge and Brit jumps up and down like a little bunny rabbit the entire time. After, they retire to a suite and cuddle up on the couch. Brit tells Chris she wants “like, a hundred” kids (edited in after Ashley I. tells everyone Brit said she didn’t want kids). They nuzzle and make out some more. Then they go to the master bedroom and close the doors. Brit says they “took a nap”. Aww.
Back at the house, the girls wig out. People want one- on- one time more than they want loved ones to return from the dead. Ashley I. leads the wigging, but Crazy Kelsey actually goes in for the kill. She marches herself to Chris’ room and tells him a heartbreaking story about how her first husband died suddenly of a heart attack in the middle of a beautiful day. The producers cut that with shots of Kelsey laughing evilly and declaring that now Chris has to keep her because she has a story!! The whole time she’s cackling and making up all these plotlines for herself so we think she’s also making up a dead husband. But no, it turns out Kelsey’s husband really did die, and unlike Juelia, she just doesn’t care because she’s a maniac. Kelsey uses her dead husband as a bargaining chip to get what she really wants: a smooch from Chris. Kelsey: 1. Chris: 0.
The girls march to the rose ceremony, scheming about how they want one- on- one time. We see Samantha talk more than she has this entire season. Yea, you’d better get your one- on- one time, Samantha. Kelsey rubs elbows with the pre- rosed (Brit, Carly and Whitney). The other girls smell a rat. Then, Chris comes in and says about three sentences before bursting into tears and running off camera. He mentions his deep conversation with Kelsey and all the girls immediately hate on her because she got coveted one- on- one time. After some mano-a-mano with Chris Harrison, Bachelor Chris still can’t find the balls to face the women. Women: 2. Chris: 0. So Chris Harrison goes in and informs the women that THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY. The evening will proceed STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE CEREMONY.
They freak out. Kelsey leaves. The last thing we see in the episode is Kelsey collapsed on the floor getting treated for a concussion.
Cry for attention? Legitimate medical concern? No rose ceremony after all? THANKS ABC.
All this time I’m thinking we could have had two minutes less of Kelsey marching down the hall and two minutes more of finding out what the heck she was doing on the floor. Either way, Kelsey: 2. Producers: O.
Oh, except the best part of the show happens during the end credits. Someone gave Megan a sombrero. They know she likes hats from that time she tried to break every surface Chris’ apartment with her helmeted head. “This is the most expensive thing I have ever put on my head,” she declares. Then you get to watch her connect the dots between Mexico and New Mexico. Priceless.