Welcome to Week 4 of the Best Bachelor Ever. Watch as 31 beautiful women compete for a place of honor on the Iowa farm of Chris Soules. This season, the crazies are crazier, the sluts are sluttier, and the PNWs (Potential New Wives) are wifey- er than ever.
Here’s your cheat sheet to the girls. Once you meet the cast, it’s time for the Episode Guide, in case you’re like me and watch The Bachelor with a room full of howling women and a bottle of cheap champagne.
Jillian is a bodybuilding champ and news producer from Washington, DC. She has a very muscular butt, which the producers mysteriously censor. Even more mysterious: They censor her front bum and her butt in jeans. According to Jordan, Jillian has the hairiest butt at the zoo.
Eliminated on a one- on- one date in San Francisco because Chris just really wanted her to shut up.
Ashley I. ELIMINATED
This freelance journalist runs a Kardashian blog and describes herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess”. Which Disney princess, might you ask? Princess Jasmine, of course! She has a belly button charm of Aladdin’s magic lamp, which she lets Chris make wishes on. Ashley wears the second most amount of makeup in the house (second to Britt, who, according to Ashley, “sleeps in her makeup”) and wears the most sparkles. Her fun fact? She is a virgin. Which is a HUGE DEAL.
Eliminated and left for dead in the desert for wearing too much makeup.
Ashley S. ELIMINATED
Ashely S. is certifiable. I actually really worry for Ashley S. She went loopy on the paintballing date and at first I thought she might have some kind of PTSD, but then they went camping in the woods and Ashley acted just as strange. She is so obviously mentally not there that it’s almost not ok to make fun of her. That said, Episode 2 and Episode 4 are worth watching for her alone.
Amber was one of my favorites. She was sweet, beautiful, and took a shot of Fireball before facing the zombies. Chris eliminated her in WEEK 3! Which is even EARLIER THAN USUAL for the black girl to get eliminated. Sad face.
Looks great in a bikini and is also A Virgin, except she’s totally chill about it. “It’s just a decision I made,” she says to hyperventilating Ashley I. This explanation leads me to believe Becca is a Christian.
^Britt’s “I actually really like him” face
Britt actually is a Disney princess. She’s beautiful, has a sexy husky voice, and wears great artsy clothes. And she wears lipstick. At all times. She’s 28 and a “waitress from Los Angeles”: code for Wants To Be An Actor. The Bachelor is her big break.
After tons of PDA and rubbing their magical relationship in the other girls’ faces, Chris eliminated Britt for “thinking out loud” when he gave the group date rose to Kaitlyn over Britt. Princess Britt lost the keys to the kingdom. Anyways, she’s got my vote for Bachelorette.
Carly is a cruise ship singer from Arlington, Texas! She is totally cute and won the farm relay race by tricking the piggy into her open arms. Carly ended up being the most fun and entertaining person on this season.
Eliminated in Iowa. 😦
Nobody knew Jade existed until last night, when she got to go on a coveted Cinderella date (sponsored by Disney’s Cinderella) and kept a bunch of diamonds and Loubitons. She’s really quiet. Oh, and she was a Playboy model.
Eliminated after hometown dates. Chis took Jade to visit his high school and meet his parents in Arlington. Then shit started coming out of the woodwork and Chris was like, “Damn, I don’t know you at all!” She looked more beautiful at her final rose ceremony than she did wearing that sack on the Cinderella date.
Token drunk. Party girl Jordan owned up to being a student from Colorado and made a habit of drinking and passing out all over the house. She was actually really funny and I can’t say I blame her for taking advantage of the alcohol, which flows more freely than water in their hideous desert mansion. She got eliminated for acting a drunk fool, but she wore an awesome dress.
Poor, poor Juelia. This Portlander’s husband and baby daddy killed himself just months after her daughter was born. Oh well. She is a survivor and her sob story wasn’t enough for Chris to keep her past week 4.
Codename: Miley. “Cool girl” Kaitlyn is a sassy nasty dude who takes her bikini bottoms off before jumping in a filthy lake, makes out with two guys in a hot tub and introduces herself with the words, “You can plow the F**** out of my field any day.” She also has the distinction of coming from Canada. Chris loves Kaitlyn.
Eliminated in Bali after the overnight dates for literally no good reason. Oh well! Rumor has it we’ll get to watch Kaitlyn shoot whiskey and talk dirty as the next Bachelorette.
Fake guidance counselor (real guidance counselor, fake person) from Michigan. She wears scarves and has a heinous fake laugh. (credit to The Betches for this gif).
Eliminated for being Hannibal Lecter.
I call this girl implants, because she probably has cheek and breast implants. Kimberly wedged herself back into the house after the first night’s elimination, causing much controversy. Chris dumped her at the next episode’s rose ceremony; he really just let her stay because he’s a nice guy.
MacKenzie has no implants; she’s flat as a pancake! She might have dental implants, though, because she’s a crackerjack dental assistant who worked up until she had her baby boy, Kale. I love MacKenzie. She’s lively, animated, funny, likes big noses on guys and starts conversations with, “Do you believe in aliens?”
Eliminated for really no good reason.
Megan is a makeup artist from Nashville who looks way smarter than she actually is. That’s because she’s a MAKEUP ARTIST! She can make herself look however she wants! This is the girl who, on the second episode, broke into Chris’ mansion and went around headbutting things with his motorcycle helmet. Later that episode, she went on a totally intelligent date! I had no idea she was the same person. Anyways, she makes little dumb blonde comments that I find hilarious.
Who is Nikki? No idea. She’s one of the Burnettes who never make a sound.
Whitney makes a serious contender. She bought Chris some Iowa whiskey and almost made him cry at the end of their vineyard- date- turned- wedding- crash. She actually seems like the perfect gal for Chris. This lady has class. Some people don’t like her squeaky voice.