The Real Songs of Summer


Last week I wrote about five of this summer’s hit songs but honestly, they’re all kind of lame.

The real songs of the summer are on your country music radio station.

If you believe summer starts on Memorial Day and ends on Labor Day with the Fourth of July smack in the middle (which I do), that makes summer the most patriotic season of the year. And what genre celebrates America best? Country.

This season’s new country songs are full of good vibrations and bad ideas. Here’s all you need to know to have a good time this summer:

“American Kids”

Kenny Chesney’s Summer To-Do List:

  • Make out in the Baptist church parking lot, try not to get caught, take her home and give her your jacket
  • Make it to second base, but say you went all the way Monday afternoon at practice
  • Grow up in little pink houses
  • Make out on living room couches
  • Blow that smoke on Saturday night
  • Get a little messed up, but be all alright


The Brothers Osborne’s Recipe for a Summer Afternoon Cocktail:

  • Two parts Love
  • Pinch of good weather
  • Top it all off with the sun
  • Mix it with rum

Mmmm, mmmm, mmm mmm.

“Drunk on a Plane”

Dierks Bentley’s Do’s and Don’t of getting drunk of a plane:


  • Tape your ex’s picture to the seatback right beside you
  • Buy drinks for everybody but the pilot
  • Get the sexy stewardess to pour you coke and whiskey
  • Tell her about your condition
  • Get a little mile- high flight attention
  • Have Mardi Gras up in the clouds
  • Bump your seat up to first class, so you can drink cheap champagne out of a real glass
  • When you get off, call your ex and tell her to kiss your a**


  • Take two weeks vacation for an all inclusive Cancun honeymoon with your ex
  • Pass out in baggage claim
  • Get stood up by your fiancé

“Somethin’ Bad”, Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood

How To Be A Runaway Bride:

First, Avoid Dierks Bentley, because he’s drunk on a plane because of you


Pull up to the church but get so nervous

Back it on up, don’t make it to the service

Grab all the cash underneath your mattress

Get a real good feelin’ something bad about to happen

Run into a girl in a pretty white dress

Roll down a window, where you heading to next?

Say I’m heading to the bar with my money out the mattress

Got a real good feeling something bad about to happen…

Stand on the bar, stomp your feet, start clapping

Get a real good feeling something bad about to happen

Drinks keep coming, throw your head back laughing

Wake up in the morning’ don’t know what happened

You and that girl that you met on the street

Roll down the road, down to New Orleans

Get a full tank of gas and the money out the mattress

Get a real good feelin’ something bad about to happen

Tear it up down in New Orleans

Just like a real-life Thelma & Louise

If the cops catch up, they’re gonna call it Kidnapping

Got a real good feelin’ something bad about to happen…

“My Kind of Night”

Luke Bryan’s Perfect Summer Date Night:

“Put in my country ride hip-hop mixtape/ Little Conway, a little T-Pain, might just make it rain

You can hang your t-shirt on a limb/Hit that bank and we can ease on in/Soak us up a little moonlight/ You know I know what you like

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown

But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out

Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat

Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner

Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right

Yeah, that’s my kind of night!”

“Get Me Some Of That”

How To Get A Degree From The Thomas Rhett School of Sexy:

“Shake that money maker like a heart breaker, like your college major was twisting and tearing up Friday nights

Love the way you’re wearing those jeans so tight

I bet your kiss is a soul saver, my favorite flavor, want it now and later

I never seen nothin’ that I wanted so bad

Girl, I gotta get me, gotta get me some of that

Yeah gotta get me some of that

Little more what you doin’ right there

Swingin’ your hips and slingin’ your hair

Side to side with your drink in the air

Lord, have mercy, now, girl, I swear

Gotta get your number in my phone

Gotta get me some of you alone

We can worry ’bout it later on

Right now just keep makin’ this my favorite song”

“Play It Again”

Luke Bryan’s Guide to Getting Kissed By Hot Strangers:

1. Play her favorite song.

2. Play it again.





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