Movies

Spring Breakers broke my faith in humanity

Despite the hype, Spring Breakers is the worst movie of the year.  Here’s why.

***WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT****

2013 | 1 hr 34 minutes | Dir. Harmony Korine | Annapurna Pictures

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“You could watch the beginning and the end and not wonder what happens in the middle.”

-Anonymous Spring Breakers viewer

I watched Spring Breakers a while ago and decided not review it, because I thought that would be a pointless waste of energy.  Kind of like Spring Breakers itself.

But then, I changed my mind and decided I should.  Spring Breakers made money and earned “positive reviews from critics”, tricking some people into thinking they should watch it.  But the world deserves to know.

Spring Breakers sucks.

It is literally the most depraved pile of junk I have ever experienced. Two hours of my life I will never get back.  And the movie is only an hour and a half.

I wish I could give you a plot summary, but that requires a plot.  Spring Breakers has no plot.  Here is the plot:  Beer, boobs, money, drugs, cars, guns, girls… grandma.   I will explain.

The opening sequence shows a parade of naked boobs with beer being poured on them in Miami’s South Beach.  We see more topless women, beer bongs and general debauchery than we would if we removed all the walls on the entire Greek Row of USC.  The only thing missing is couples fornicating in sand ditches.  Other than that, I assume accuracy.

spring breakers opening sequence beer bong

Flash forward to a group of horny nobodies at some loser community college.  They want to go to the beach for spring break but are confused as to why they have no money despite saving all year.  Hmm, girls, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s all the cocaine and marijuana you buy.  Or maybe it’s because none of you have jobs or senses of responsibility.   Vanessa Anne Hudgens’ character is especially charming.

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The only one with half a brain is Faith.  Selena Gomez plays Faith because her manager refused to let Selena actually show her boobs or have sex in a pool.  Faith seems to have a little bit of a conscience, and also she is the only one with a name I cared to remember.

Spring Breakers Selena Gomez

Everyone but Faith robs a diner wearing the first of many matching crime spree outfits.  The Spring Lawbreakers make out like bandits and use the money to buy a bus pass and a room in a sleazy motel in their dream destination.  There, the girls can live out all their dreams of being raped and stoned.  Yay!

But all is not well in the land of Spring Break.  One day, while raging at a day party, the cops bust the party and arrest the girls for underage drinking, among other debaucheries.  They then spend the next seven scenes in the same gross bikinis and you can practically feel the need to change your underwear.

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They are finally bailed out of jail by an unutterably disgusting gangster- turned- rapper called Alien (James Franco).  Any ounce of sex appeal James Franco used to have has totally been shot to hell.  Franco sports a disgusting beer belly, disgusting chest hair, a disgusting peeling tan, disgusting white boy cornrows and a really, really disgusting grill.  He bails the girls out for some stupid reason and takes them all to his beach mansion he won for hustling drugs and money.

Spring Breakers James Franco Boxoffice mojo

The girls finally change out of their dingy bikinis and get new ones.   Faith decides to go home to her grandmother because she thinks Alien is a creepy psycho and her friends keep making her cry.  She in no way acknowledges that she has terrible friends.  I don’t even know why Faith is friends with these soulless leeches.

The three remaining girls reconvene at Alien’s lair.  We learn that the real gangsters of Miami don’t like Alien because he is an asshole.  Alien’s rival gangsters do a drive- by shooting (with guns) and the pink- haired girl (Rachel Korine) gets shot in the arm.  We see blood pouring out of her arm as she takes a shower.  Pink- haired girl then decides it’s time to go home.

Now, we’re left with just Ashley Benson and Vanessa Anne Hudgens.  I expected Vanessa the Slum Queen to be the last one standing, but I didn’t think Ashley Benson would be standing with her.  Earlier in the movie, while three girls are acting like total lesbians in the motel pool, Pink Hair goes to a party at which she is the only female and taunts the male partygoers with her vagina.  I thought for sure she’d stick around.  I guess getting shot in the arm was a real reality check for her.

Spring Breakers Ashley and Vanessa

Alien saves all his most disgusting shenanigans for Ashley and Vanessa.  They have a threesome in his huge pool.  Then, almost immediately afterwards, they suit up in matching neon bikinis and shoot up some of Alien’s gangster rivals.  For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, Alien stands in the front and immediately dies.  For reasons even MORE unbeknownst to anyone, Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens manage to shoot every single person in the mansion, including two black ladies who are taking a shower together.

They escape in Alien’s Camaro and go home to their grandmas, saying “Spring Break was fun, but it’s over now.  It’s time to go back to school.”

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This movie sucked.  Harmony Korine is a college dropout who knocked up someone 13 years younger than him and has made a movie titled Trash Humpers.  None of his other films had major release or, from what I understand, plots of any kind.  Yet the film got attention from EVERY major media outlet, from TMZ to the Wall Street Journal.  Why? Why are we glorifying this pedophile director who doesn’t even look like he graduated film school, or passed any of the requisite classes, including Storytelling?

Clearly, because of the stars.   Three relatively high- profile young actresses signed on and the world couldn’t wait to watch them ruin their careers. Except the most famous person in the film, Selena Gomez, doesn’t even do anything too scandalous precisely because she doesn’t want to ruin her career.

The other three’s performances come as no surprise.  Vanessa Anne Hudgens starred in High School Musical almost ten years ago.  She followed up her role as a singing brainiac with a role as a steampunk stripper/ bounty hunter in Sucker Punch.  Also, during her High School Musical days, she got busted for sending nude photos to then- boyfriend Zak Efron.  So she takes all her clothes off in this movie?  So what.  Been there, seen that.

Ashley Benson plays one fourth of a murder- obsessed quartet on ABC Family’s show Pretty Little Liars.  Ashley Benson’s character is the most badass Pretty Little Lair, and she kind of looks like a skank, so no one is really surprised that she’s playing a skank in Spring Breakers.

The fourth girl, Rachel Korine (Pink Hair) is married to the director.  She looks way too old to be hanging out with a bunch of sophomores and is probably the least hot.  It’s unfathomably disgusting that this director, Harmony Korine, would make his wife and the mother of his children do some of the things she does in this movie.  That brings the real shock value.

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There are some who argue that Spring Breakers is a metaphor for our society’s desensitization towards violence and that the film sends a message of female empowerment.  I disagree.  Spring Breakers is a metaphor for a crap movie.  There are only so many beer- battered tits a person can take before art turns to smut.  Maybe this movie has a hundred deeper meanings, but I’m somehow disinclined to use my brain when James Franco is giving guns blow jobs and everyone else is snorting cocaine off someone’s rack.

So now Vanessa Anne Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and Selena Gomez can be “known for” Spring Breakers on IMDB.  But you don’t have to be known for watching it.  Do yourself a favor and never take this Spring Break.

2 thoughts on “Spring Breakers broke my faith in humanity

  1. I was going to watch this movie then read the review and was so excited that I could be warned. I definetly don’t want to be seeing the things you described.. thanks so much!

  2. Pingback: In Defense Of Showgirls **WARNING: EXPLICIT** | Critic Of Everything

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